1. Mother Teresa Rises from the Grave to Bless the iPhone Profanity Revolution
At Apple's Worldwide Developer Conference, the SVP of software engineering, Craig Federighi, gleefully announced that your iPhone will no longer replace curse words with innocent waterfowl references. We say it's about ducking time! Federighi boldly declared that the keyboard will now learn your profanities and respect your right to swear on your own ducking phone. We understand that this news may not be as mind-blowing as the death of Intel Macs or the $3,500 AR ski mask we reported on Tuesday, but for those tired of their iPhones pretending to be latter-day saints, this fix is a godsend. More broadly, Apple's predictive text capabilities are getting an upgrade to match users' unique linguistic styles. Supposedly, dictation is improving too, but let's be honest, Siri is still linguistically challenged. Perhaps Apple should focus on getting Siri to understand rudimentary English before hailing this as a major achievement at their annual symposium.
2. Gamestop's Lackluster Q1, CEO's Ominous Response
GameStop has bid adieu to its CEO and welcomed an activist investor as its executive chairman. Investors were so thrilled with the news that the stock took a graceful dive of 19%. The newly appointed chairman and a man of seemingly few words, Ryan Cohen, assured everyone with a tweet saying, "Not for long." It's worth noting that Gamestop's Q1 performance fell short of analysts expectations, earning $1.24 billion in the quarter that ended April 29, compared with analysts' average estimate of $1.36 billion. This miss is most likely attributed to consumers scaling back non-essential spending given the uncertain economy. But who needs boring financials and customer analysis when we can just ride the meme stock? It's clear that GameStop is truly on the cutting edge as they double down on physical brick-and-mortar stores in an industry that's sprinting towards online and mobile platforms. Incredible!
3. Bain Capital's Generosity Knows No Bounds With $3 Billion Offer
Bain Capital has offered to take Chinese data center operator Chindata Group private for $2.93 billion. How lucky can Chindata get? Despite Chindata's shares plummeting by over 20% this year, Bain Capital sees something special in them and wants in. Chindata's shares did manage to jump up a bit in response to this incredible deal, rising approximately 14%. Bain Capital's proposal values each American depositary share of Chindata at $8, a premium of more than 27% to its last closing price. Clearly, the private equity firm is feeling generous and must have taken a liking to Chindata's endeavors in designing and operating data centers in China, India, and Southeast Asia. Or maybe they just have a thing for collecting data centers, who knows? Either way, this is definitely a deal of a lifetime for anyone with $3 billion burning a hole in their pocket.
4. Digibee Tackling the Nail-Biting World of Integration Technologies
Digibee, a company specializing in seamlessly combining different software applications, has raised $60 million in funding. With a total of $90 million, they plan to conquer the U.S. and Latin America, fighting the injustice of legacy integration technologies that fail to deliver value. Talk about fighting the good (and incredibly riveting) fight. Their low-code platform promises to empower a wide spectrum of engineers in a matter of days or weeks, resolving the burdensome issue known as "technical debt." Despite facing competition, Digibee's unique advantage lies in their pricing model that doesn't overcharge customers for potential usage. Their "advantage" doesn't sound all that difficult for competitors to replicate, but you know, details details. Good luck Digibee!
5. Coinbase CEO Slams SEC
Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong has dared to challenge the SEC Chair Gary Gensler. Armstrong, who possesses the audacity to think that rules should be clear and fair, called Gensler an "outlier" and questioned his icy reception towards Coinbase's attempts to become registered. The SEC recently sued Coinbase for trading unregistered securities and operating as an unregistered exchange. Armstrong vehemently assures users that their funds are safe, unlike those other shady characters over at Binance and FTX. Meanwhile, the SEC declined to comment, but we await the impending battle between the major players in the crypto sector and US regulators.